Today is January 19th, 2016. Today is my due date.
I’m not nine months pregnant awaiting the faintest sign of labor. Nor am I fawning over a newborn. I’m at home taking care of my sick four year old and my poor dog recovering from a major surgery.
I miscarried at 10 weeks back in July. I’ve spent most of my time since trying to get pregnant again with no success. I was hoping to be pregnant again by now so that this date wouldn’t be so hard. Well it’s not as bad as I was anticipating. I had a major meltdown two days ago but today has gone rather well. My daughter only has a small cold and my dog is getting better each day (we’ll get into his condition in a later post). Maybe the universe gave my daughter this cold so that I might not be alone today. Maybe.
We’ve been trying to conceive for over three years now so the miscarriage is that much more magnified. Se la vie. I’ve gone to an infertility support group, which I don’t think they really like me since I already have a child. Haven’t been invited back.
I have a very high FSH (23) and a very low AMH (can’t find my test results right now). Most western doctors would tell me it’s never going to happen but I don’t think so. I have one extremely healthy child and have been pregnant twice. I strongly believe I will have another biological child and I can’t wait to prove western medicine wrong. But I’m taking a break. I don’t feel that I haven’t completely recovered physically from the miscarriage… and emotionally (but when does that ever get better?).
My joy, excitement and hope comes from the prospect of adoption. We officially start our journey in a few days as we take our pre-adopt class. From there we begin our home study. We are working with an intentional adoption agency and have not yet confirmed which country we’ll be working with. As of right now Korea seems like the best fit.
One day I’ll look back on this difficult time and be thankful. I. Can’t. Wait. But for now I just need to focus on the wonderful parts of my life and there are a LOT. My husband’s a badass and my daughter is supermodel gorgeous.
I hope anyone else going through the same thing takes some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Things get better.